My dear Gaura Nitai,
This is a written attempt at approaching you in a prayerful mood. But I am hesitant, because I feel so very unqualified. Today was the first day of the annual Prabhupada Marathon. I had an errand in town for my wife, so wanting to somehow take part I also packed a few books in my bag as I went out. I had some idea in my mind, that if I had the books with me, I would become inspired and spend at least maybe an hour or so on the streets, approaching people. Now You see, here is a problem. I find it very difficult to approach people. I don’t know if it is shyness or just a degraded mentality, but honestly I find it almost impossible. As I walked back from my errand, the main walking street was packed with busy Christmas shoppers. My initial observation was that this place must be ideal for sankirtan. However, unfortunately, I just kept walking toward my buss stop leaving the battlefield behind. And immediately I felt ashamed of my cowardice. I though that by holding back in this way, I will never attain the lotus feet of Your devotees, a reward You supposedly keep to give only to those surrendered souls, persons willing to take on a responsibility for Your mission, willing to take a chance on Your mercy. I could understand that I am no such person. Being selfish and attached to egocentricities of body and situations, I am a disgrace to take on the outward dress of a devotee.
This may be so. Only You, my dear Lords, know the truth. And by Your kindness You may transfer this knowledge to Your devotees.
By Your grace, I happened to find a small piece of treasure this evening, a small spark of Your mercy. I had taken my meal and spent some time just spacing out really. A devotee had posted on Facebook how she entertained many of my similar feelings of difficulty towards book distribution, but how she through the medium of sincerely praying to Your Lordships, had found unexpected inspiration and opportunities for book distribution, manifested solely by Your grace, she confessed. I found this statement very inspiring. In fact, I though I could catch a fleeting glimpse of a tiny ray of courage on the horizon of my stone like heart. But the moment passed. Still, I have faith in the shastric descriptions of Your miracles. I have faith in the stories recounted by Your devotees. I must, for there is nothing else, no other railing on this sinking ship of the material world, for me. This shred of faith is my sole refuge.
Therefore, my dear Lords, I am writing these words, hoping beyond hope, that You may find my request agreeable with Your plans. Please help me.
I am always awaiting Your mercy.
Your aspiring servant of Your servant's servant,
Yudhisthira dasa
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