My dear Sri Hari Nama Prabhu,
I am writing to you now, because today was just one of those days where I looked back at the last few weeks of my life. I looked especially at my chanting. And I am honestly feeling that I am not putting so much effort into it. I complete my rounds every day and some times I chant extra rounds, but I am not very good at pulling my mind back to You when it wanders off. That is what I call lazy chanting. Chanting just for the sake of getting my rounds done. Not with attachment or love for You. And this makes me quite sad, because basically this shows that I am not really a devotee, I’m just a pretender. And I really want to be a devotee. I have come to a point in my life where I have nothing else. I have no big material aspirations. There are some, but they are only on the edges, not really situated in the core of me.
A problem I have is indeed with lazyness. To keep a continuous schedule. Like Srila Prabhupada, who would always be so steady. When will the time come, when I will inherit just a fraction of this potency? That vast ocean which is Your mercy, seems to be so far away, like a mirage in the desert. At least I believe That You are real, in contrast with the mirage. Still You are beyond my grasp. My chanting is too poor.
Please find some way to bring me to You. I long for this, because I believe it to be the best thing in the world for me. All the Acharyas agree that there is nothing else in all the tree worlds. So why should I strive for anything else, but your mercy? Please let me understand the importance of You. Please let me surrender. Please grant me access to just a tiny spark of Your splendor. I really need some inspiration.
My greatest wish is to become a really fixed up devotee, who would preach Your glories and give You freely to others without discrimination. Is this too much to askfor someone like me? If so, please excuse me, but I don’t know anything valuable, so I must just try.
Your aspiring bhakta,