Letter to Sri Hari Nama Prabhu, November 2011

My dear Sri Hari Nama Prabhu,

I am writing to you now, because today was just one of those days where I looked back at the last few weeks of my life. I looked especially at my chanting. And I am honestly feeling that I am not putting so much effort into it. I complete my rounds every day and some times I chant extra rounds, but I am not very good at pulling my mind back to You when it wanders off. That is what I call lazy chanting. Chanting just for the sake of getting my rounds done. Not with attachment or love for You. And this makes me quite sad, because basically this shows that I am not really a devotee, I’m just a pretender. And I really want to be a devotee. I have come to a point in my life where I have nothing else. I have no big material aspirations. There are some, but they are only on the edges, not really situated in the core of me.

A problem I have is indeed with lazyness. To keep a continuous schedule. Like Srila Prabhupada, who would always be so steady. When will the time come, when  I will inherit just a fraction of this potency? That vast ocean which is Your mercy, seems to be so far away, like a mirage in the desert. At least I believe That You are real, in contrast with the mirage. Still You are beyond my grasp. My chanting is too poor.

Please find some way to bring me to You. I long for this, because I believe it to be the best thing in the world for me. All the Acharyas agree that there is nothing else in all the tree worlds. So why should I strive for anything else, but your mercy? Please let me understand the importance of You. Please let me surrender. Please grant me access to just a tiny spark of Your splendor. I really need some inspiration.

My greatest wish is to become a really fixed up devotee, who would preach Your glories and give You freely to others without discrimination. Is this too much to askfor someone like me? If so, please excuse  me, but I don’t know anything valuable, so I must just try.

Your aspiring bhakta,

Yudhisthira dasa

Then and now, December of 2011

Alas,

I desired to come to

The material world.

Question:

“Would I have chosen differently

Now?”

With all my heart:

“YES!”

But,

I can observe

My current position

And disposition,

And I realize that

That this may not be

The immediate fact

Of the matter.

Truthfully,

I cannot proclaim

The abovementioned

Initial, heartfelt

Reply.

Because,

If my immediate answer was to be

Yes,

Then I would already

Be back home,

With Krishna.

The fact that my consciousness remains

Attached to this material world,

Is itself proof of the real answer:

“I would still have come.. “

And

This is why

I do not break my back on the streets

With books;

This is why

I have no control over my habits of

Sleeping and eating;

This is why

My mind is restless,

My heart is morose,

My senses are agitated.

However,

On the bright side,

That is what this world is made for.

To realize this fact.

To turn “I will come”

Into “I am done”.

This is the blessing

Of the process given

By our ever well wishers.

So,

Embrace this process,

Utilize this place.

This chance of the human birth.

Gradually,

Alright,

But with the heart,

With the faith that

                This is it!

                Now just keep it up,

                Through thick and thin.

                Arise after falling,

Bruised knees will heal

With time.

Take it on,

More and more,

And all blessings will come.

All blessings

Will come.

Letter to Gaura Nitai, 1st. of December, 2011

My dear Gaura Nitai,

This is a written attempt at approaching you in a prayerful mood. But I am hesitant, because I feel so very unqualified. Today was the first day of the annual Prabhupada Marathon. I had an errand in town for my wife, so wanting to somehow take part I also packed a few books in my bag as  I went out. I had some idea in my mind, that if I had the books with me, I would become inspired and spend at least maybe an hour or so on the streets, approaching people. Now You see, here is a problem. I find it very difficult to approach people. I don’t  know if it is shyness or just a degraded mentality, but honestly I find it almost impossible. As I walked back from my errand, the main walking street was packed with busy Christmas shoppers. My initial observation was that this place must be ideal for sankirtan. However, unfortunately, I just kept walking toward my buss stop leaving the battlefield behind. And immediately I felt ashamed of my cowardice. I though that by holding back in this way, I will never attain the lotus feet of Your devotees, a reward You supposedly keep to give only to those surrendered souls, persons willing to take on a responsibility  for Your mission, willing to take a chance on Your mercy. I could understand that I am no such person. Being selfish and attached to egocentricities of body and situations, I am a disgrace to take on the outward dress of a devotee.

This may be so. Only You, my dear Lords, know the truth. And by Your kindness You may transfer this knowledge to Your devotees.

By Your grace, I happened to find a small piece of treasure this evening, a small spark of Your mercy. I had taken my meal and spent some time just spacing out really. A devotee had posted on Facebook how she entertained many of my similar feelings of difficulty towards book distribution, but how she through the medium of sincerely praying to Your Lordships, had found unexpected inspiration and opportunities for book distribution, manifested solely by Your grace, she confessed. I found this statement very inspiring. In fact, I though I could catch a fleeting glimpse of a tiny ray of courage on the horizon of my stone like heart. But the moment passed. Still, I have faith in the shastric descriptions of Your miracles. I have faith in the stories recounted by Your devotees. I must, for there is nothing else, no other railing on this sinking ship of the material world, for me. This shred of faith is my sole refuge.

Therefore, my dear Lords, I am writing these words, hoping beyond hope, that You may find my request agreeable with Your plans. Please help me.

I am always awaiting Your mercy.

Your aspiring servant of Your servant's servant,

Yudhisthira dasa