The search for clarity through a poem

There it is again.

That eerie feeling

Of uncertainty.

Unmistakable

Is its approach,

Crouched in the mind,

Its home.

If I may speak freely

For a moment:

I have a desire to

Serve my

Spiritual master.

There is no lie

In this statement.

In this

My heart and intellect

Correlate.

Even though

The above mentioned truth

Has been spoken,

Still

I am yet to

Embrace

One pointedness

In purpose,

2.41.

Still my aim wavers,

My target blurs.

This poem

Therefore

Focuses on

Revealing,

Through the tool

Of introspection,

The source

Of this uncertainty,
Thereby invigorating my ability
To overcome it.

Firstly,

I honestly believe

In the process of

Bhakti yoga,

And the word process

In itself

Implies

A work in progress.

Now,

Here is where

Uncertainty

Enters the scene:

Conditioned life

For millions of births

Has taken its toll.

Henceforth

The feeling of doubt

Of ability and purpose.

Henceforth

The need to second guess decisions made,

The idea of perfection on one’s own accord,

The fear of failure due to misplaced surrender,

Thus culminating

In this feeling of

Uncertainty.

However,
Know

That Krishna is there in

The heart.

The spiritual master

Has our best welfare

In mind,

“Had you forgotten this?”

Know

That we need only act,

In honesty,

And preserver,

Thus manifesting

Humility

Through the need for surrendering

To the process.

Know
That we are not the doers.

We are the receivers of will

To fulfill the purpose

Of rightful actions

Based on true position.

In conclusion,

There is shelter to be found

In these statements.

Uncertainty lives only

As a perverted reflection

Of the humility

Exemplified

In the devotees of the Lord.

Uncertainty

Is considering

The material situation.

Surrendering to the reality

Of a work in progress,

Blessed by a divine descent

In the form of spiritual truths,

Is its

Elimination.

 “Those who are on this path

Are resolute in purpose,

And their aim is one.”

All that remains

Is to cultivate

Acceptance

Of free wills’ responsibility

And make the choice

Again

And again.

Mind, the age of the wild west and Srila Prabhupada

My dear mind,

Is seems I caught you

Again,

Dripping ethereal blood

On you hand,

A perpetrator of another

Illicit act,

Killer of the soul.

I know you, evil twin.

I know you, festering parasite,

Having associated intimately

With you for countless life times.

You, sir, are a repeated felon,

Like a kleptomaniac,

Or a serial killer,

Always contemplating

The next score,

Secretly stalking

Your next victim.

In vedic times,

The rajarishis

Would have had your life

In exchange for your

Crimes,
Thereby mercifully
Absolving you of your sins,
But this is

The age of Kali.

The powerful rule of the

Ancient royal saints

In now only a distant echo

Of eons past.

This is your good fortune,

Dacoit mind.

In this age of quarrel

The likes of you

Roam freely

In society at large,

Wreaking havoc
With shootouts and lynching

And resultant utter despair

Of the fallen souls.

However, hear me today:

Rejoice while you can,

For there is a new sheriff in town!

Fearlessly strolling

Into the subtle saloon,

That is your sphere,

He acts on the merit

Of transcendental service to the guru

Alone.

Although he may seem

Aged and fragile,

He carries the youthful vigor

Of the spiritual world

With him,

Delivering

Sawed off, double barreled, twelve gauge mercy

And sixteen syllable

Quick draw purity,

Never lost for words.

Henceforth,

I sentence you,

O’ astral outlaw,

To a prolonged period

Of incarceration in devotee flesh

For multiple life times,

With hearing and chanting

As your only bread and water.

Court adjourned.

All rise,

For Srila Prabhupada.

Letter to my spiritual master's instructions

My dear spiritual master’s instructions,

Please accept my humble obeisances. It is in the middle of the night at this time, but I had an urge to write you this letter. Why you may ask? Honestly, why this inspiration came over me, I do not know. However, it is of no big consequence. An opportunity to glorify you and meditate on your significance in my life needs no excuse.

You are the most worshipable object of my life. You are eternal. Your physical form may not be, but I do my best to catch up with you in your humanlike dress, be it in Sweden, Belgium or India. Still, because of my many conditionings, I commit grave offences in your vapu presence. I see you as a mundane person, much like myself, and I speculate about the nature of your mind, about the meaning behind your actions. I shudder at my conclusions. Truly, I am deeply sorry, for I wish only to render you some service. Unfortunately, I fumble around in pretended darkness, not realizing that I have only closed my eyes.

Therefore I have come before you now, dear instructions. Dear vani, you have a merciful omnipresence, which makes you very difficult to forget. To neglect you is a strenuous endeavor indeed. Whatever may happen in the ongoing evolution of this world, you remain the same and intact. You are dependable in the top most sense of the term. Actually, I believe that you are the original form, which later physically manifested, thereby comprehendingly descending to the level of this ungrateful fool.

O’ what mercy! O’ most attractive invitation! What inspiration and heartwarming, fatherly guidance! This is true inconceiveablility. How heartless and utterly shameless must I be for not jumping to my feet, running around begging others to please receive your message? I try, with a broken heart’s honesty, I try, I truly try. There is struggle and there are self-inflicted wounds. The latter surely bleed, but its liquidity and color are o’ so illusory. I have experienced this many times over.

Dearmost merciful instructions, please let me enter your kingdom and make me able to walk down your paved, smooth alleyways. Please empower my ability to overlook my own discrepancies, so that I may focus on your availability. I do not want to ask you for something very big, for it is not my place. However, I am sorely begging from you the slightest of sidelong glances, thereby perfecting my existence in this life, and others to come.

Whatever be the case, I promise to continue, even at my snail like pace, because as long as I am on the move, tightly embracing your lotus feet, it is my conviction that you will not leave me entirely.

Still your aspiring servant,

Yudhisthira das

"Just try to be a good person. That will be very atractive. Actually it is preaching."

Letter to Sri Rama, Rama Navami 2012

My dear Lord Ramachandra,

Please accept my humble obeisances. Today was Your appearance day, Rama Navami. We celebrated it here in the capital of Norway, Oslo. It is far away from Your capital of Ayodhya, but by the grace of Your dear Srila Prabhupada, we have come to know of Your past times even at this far distant place.
When I was a new devotee, one of the first books I read was the Ramayana. Remembering the reading, I can still feel that surging feeling, like a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Your life is very adventurous, almost like a fairy tale. As the Supreme Lord, I sense that You arrange for Your past times to be very special and highly uncommon, attracting the minds of the wayward living beings and fulfilling the desires of your eternal associates. However,  I am not one to understand Your purposes, my Lord, for You are a great mystery.

My reason for writing to You on this day, is to express, in a humble way, my deep gratitude for You. Especially reading about the intimate dealings You have with Your brothers, wife and family, I am deeply moved to see Your unfathomable affection and loving reciprocation. You are also a king of supreme standard, surrounded with unimaginable opulence, yet You display a unique, humble detachment, renouncing the throne and the royal fortune just to maintain the virtue of Your father's word. Accepting fourteen years of exile, You appear to be the natural forest dweller, enjoying simple meals of gathered roots cooked on the fire, sleeping on a bed of leaves with ease. I also enjoy a natural setting, with starlit nights by glowing embers. This draws me to You, my Lord, for You exhibit traits with which I can relate. For this I want to express my sincere gratitude. You are my first ever impression of God, as a young bhakta, and I remember fondly the amazing connection I felt in my heart, for You. As I read of Your past times on this day, after my discovery of You years ago, I now find myself in the role of a husband, as a father, and my initial feeling of You as a Supreme Role Model for life's relationships find deeper and deeper meaning. In my own words, You seem to be a person true to Your heart, and in this way You open for others to reveal their hearts in return.

Please excuse my shortcomings, dear Rama, for I am one of those jivas who turned away from You in days of yonder. Trying to find my way back to You now, I stumble on the path in this thick forest of doubt and contamination. The choking vines of the senses and thorny bushes of the mind are like a dense network, impossible to penetrate. Please, my dear Raghava, if You desire it, release an arrow in my direction, severing this material vegitation and freeing me from my entanglement. You are a great archer of universal renown, holding Your ground against hordes of Rakshashas in the ancient days. You have Lakshmana and Hanuman by Your side, and Your wife Sita Devi, born of the earth itself, is directly the Goddess of Fortune, so victory is always with You.

Please consider my predicament, as I am surrounded on all sides by the Rakshashas in my heart, and aid me in this battle, for I wish to come to You again.

The aspiring servant of Your servant's servants,

Yudhisthira dasa

Thursday night, March of 2012.

2am.

I forgot the charger

For my laptop computer

At home.

I feel I can choose to be

Annoyed,

Or I can take advantage of

That limited

Time frame

And write something.

The latter is the service I have

Chosen.

Now,

At work,

As the hush of night

Manifests on the ward,

I find time

To stop and

Reflect.

                Is my wife happy in spiritual life?

Am I truthful in my dealings?

                Am I doing enough for my Guru Maharaja?

                Am I reading Srila Prabhupada’s books?

                When will we do harinama again?

               

                When will death come…?

Tapas prabhu

Recently gave a class

In Stockholm

About spiritual anxiety.

Any so called

Negative experience,

If dovetailed with

Krishna,

Becomes a source

For devotional service.

And Suhotra Maharaja said

That devotees do not pray

For good situations,

They want to serve Krishna

In any situation,

Be it good or bad.

Personally

I do not possess

That vision.

My level is lower.

But

By the grace of Srila Prabhupada’s

ISKCON,

I have access to serving

Those who have it.

Who are on that level.

And that is as good

As the real thing.

This thought

Is most

Inspiring.

This thought is a great

Reservoir of

Spiritual hope.

Success can be had

Even for rascals,

To the extent that they

Are willing to take up

The humility

To admit

That this process

Of sravanam kirtanam

And

Sadhu sanga

Is made to unrascalify

And to reinstate reality

In the hearts of fallen jivas.

The reality of

Krishna Consciousness.

Not as

An artificial imposition on the mind,

But as our natural state

Of being

As parts and parcels

Of the Supreme Whole,

Radha and Krishna.

Bottom line.

Our feelings

And mental states

Originate

From the spiritual realm.

Perverted here

By the modes of material nature,

They can be transformed

Into assets,

By engaging in

Purificatory activities,

Of who’s

Commander in chief

Is the Hare Krishna

Mahamantra

And who’s vital force

Is devotee association.

My dear mind,

Recall this truth

At critical junctures.

My dear intelligence,

Cast away all doubt

And find peace

In this science.

My dear heart,

Embrace this

As the all in all.

My dear Gaura NItai,

If You desire it,

Please let me continue

For the pleasure of

My spiritual master.

If You desire it,

Make me eligible

To take advantage

Of all the opportunities

You send my way.

Keep me coming back

For more…

The blessing of a name

My dear spiritual master

Offered me

The name

Yudhisthira dasa,

“The servant of he who never tells a lie”,

And he said at my initiation that

These names are not ordinary.

By receiving these names

You also receive the blessings of

The person.

My dear Maharaja Yudhisthira,

I have been wanting to write to you

For some time.

You are Dharma Raja,

Forever the embodiment

Of righteous conduct

Based on spiritual realization.

At the Raja Suya sacrifice

You offered the first respect

To Lord Krishna,

Who was present in your assembly.

After the battle of Kuruksetra

Having attained victory by the grace of the Lord

And being rightfully installed

As the emperor of the world,
An hierloom from your father,

Still you mourned for the death of your enemies

And harbored thoughts

Of shamefulness.

Following the departure of Lord Krishna
From the earthly realm,

Having duly coroneted
Your nephew,

The son of Uttara, on the throne

For the sake of

The spiritual welfare of the future world,

You entered the renounced order of life,

Leaving behind your chaste wife

And your inseparable brothers.

They followed you

Without hesitation

To the Himalayas,

But even as they

Perished on the path behind you,

You did not look back,

Keeping always a steady pace,

Your mind one pointedly focused

On the Supreme Destination.

Eventually,

You attained

The spiritual world

In your selfsame body.

My dear Yudhisthira Maharaja,

You gave me the blessing of your name,

Extended through the medium
Of my spiritual master.

I do not presume

To know your intentions,

However,

I honestly wish

To imbibe

A tiny particle of

Your devotion and unflinching dedication

To the Supreme Truth,

Sri Krishna.

Unfortunately,

I am not of any royal ancestry.

I am not in any way important.

Still,

I am greatly impressed by your

Life story

As recounted in the scriptures.

And having been trusted,

By the mercy of my spiritual master,

To take part in your Lord’s sankirtan mission,

An extension of your rule

In this age of quarrel,

I pray that you

Kindly help me

Find strength

And forbearance

To overcome

The cruelty of material relations,

The enmity from asura society,

The bondage of false identifications,

And maybe most of all,

The courage to choose

The devotional path

Above all other considerations

And never look back.

Jiv jago, jiv jago (12.1.2012)

The soul stirs.

It is

The potency of

The mantra,

Krishna’s holy Name.

What now?

Where to go from here?

The tendency

Is to just

Slip back in,

Like in the morning,

When the alarm clock

Announces

Yesterday’s good intentions,

How easy it is to

Just press

Snooze,

And pull the cover back

Over.

From another angle

The mantra

Is like an alarm clock

That wakens us up

From our identification

With our minds

As our selves.

It’s like an

Antiseptic,

Purifying

A contaminated

Object.

It’s like

A torch in

A dark place.

My dear mind,

Embrace with

Full attention the mantra,

The Name,

For within its syllables

Await

The spiritual world.

All else

Is simply

Mundane.